With 15+ candidates running for the Republican 2016 Presidential position, I shudder to think about the consequences of having so many candidates. Think about planning THAT debate. There will only be one question asked per debate … and Rand Paul will be asked to speak last.

The grassroots campaigns are just around the corner. The pamphlets and phone calls and doorknockers…oh my! The challenge is on and I have made an art out of dealing with such things.

The pamphlets are the easy one. I simply took the first pamphlet that I was given and always carried it with me. The next time that someone gave their pamphlet I gave mine to them. Their print proclamation now became my exchange item for the next person who wanted to trade. You could say I’ve been “many things to many people”.

The phone calls don’t happen as much anymore since I’m listed on the Do Not Call list.  But when they did call I had some pat answers. Fixing dinner (breakfast, lunch), sitting down to dinner (breakfast, lunch) or going out to dinner (breakfast, lunch) and running late are usually effective but amateur.

I took this on as a creative challenge. When the charity called offering to sell me lightbulbs that would last 10 years my befuddled response was “I bought them from you last year. If they’re everything you say they are I shouldn’t need to hear from you for 9 more years.” Or when any Police or Fire Dept. “charities” call I say, with a nervous (possibly desperate…but scared works too) voice “Oh, I thought you were my husband’s probation officer. I’ve got to keep this line open”! click.

The door-to-door solicitors are my favorite. I actually have props for the spiffy dressed religious disciples.

We had a 7^th Day Adventist church in Worthington.  Since everyone knew each other and saw each other all the time, the members of the church only printed one pamphlet called The Review. Once, maybe twice a month depending on the weather they would just walk through the neighborhoods. If they saw someone outside they’d just hold up the rectangular piece of color laminated paper and point to it. The neighbor would nod and the disciples would say “Amen”, and keep on walking. If there was any conversation it consisted of the neighbor saying “I know. I’m sorry. I’m saved.” And then waving or nodding to the church people who then said “Amen”, and kept on walking.

These days when I see an unfamiliar car (usually black but always shiny) parked in the neighborhood, I prepare my arsenal.  I first make sure my cross necklace is on the outside of my shirt. I then grab my glasses with the cracked lens and put them on. I place the stack of Bibles, Prayer Books and Guideposts on the entryway table making sure there’s a rosary draped over them. Time allowing, I have an incense scented spray. I then light a candle and sit in wait. Before they can ring the doorbell I open the door (wide enough to expose my “books and beads”) and immediately say “Oh. I thought you were someone from my Bible study group coming back. I’m pretty prayed out but if you leave a pamphlet I’ll read it when my glasses are fixed.” I then take from my pocket the last pamphlet I’d traded and give it to them. I think the fact that the pamphlet I traded them was one I’d received from a Pro Choice group may explain why they haven’t been back for a while.

A couple of my personal favorites are the guy who was delivering fresh beef to my neighbor and had some “extra” on his truck that he’d cut me a deal if I’d buy it. The fact that the house he pointed to belonged to an elderly couple from India was a tip off. My response…”We’re vegetarian.” Done.

The other is the young lad that knocks on my door selling a single serve packet of popcorn that is labeled not for resale. He’s asking $5 for the popcorn and you will help to send him to a Bible camp. The only time I’ll pay $5 for a single serving of popcorn is if it comes with a movie and lots of butter. Here is the easiest brushoff you can have. “Is it gluten free? How about trans fats and sugars?” Believe me, the expression on their face is priceless.  You give them the come back when you know shrug, say good-by and close the door.

As I see it, I’ve got to get ready for the barrage of campaigning and polling because such a large cast of characters it will be crazy. Since I’ve never followed Republican politics I’ve got some studying up to do. I figure I’ve got just a few months left before I’ll need my arsenal of retorts. I plan to familiarize myself with the candidates and get the appropriate ammo for each of them. I should be ready by Christmas!!

I already am familiar with one candidate…Donald Trump. My retort…every circus needs a clown.