Two young friends of mine are getting married next month and I don’t think I can give them a gift more valuable than advice. I speak from almost 40 years of experience in the trenches of matrimony, remarkably with the same person. Let’s just say I’ve been married longer than I’ve been single.

I must start with the wedding. If you’re going to put time and money into having a ceremony with family and friends invited, keep your goal in mind at all times. That goal should be that you are surrounded by people that know and love you. They should be there to let you know they agree with your choices in partners and believe you are the best co-pilot for the other’s flight through life. They are essentially your send-off party.  Sadly, I’ve truly felt that way at only about 30% of weddings that I’ve attended…which is probably why I now attend only the weddings that I approach with that attitude. The rest are just expensive parties.

Our entire wedding cost $127 and that included my dress. Granted, it was 1976, but even then that was cheap. We needed things when we got married. Items such as furniture, rent money, groceries etc. We couldn’t afford to throw an expensive party that was gone after one day. And I didn’t have the desire to be Princess for a day. Enough said. Just throw a party you can afford. One that is meant to enjoy, not to impress.

Even before the wedding, decide which committee you each will be in the partnership. For example, I am the food committee in our marriage. I enjoy cooking and David enjoys eating. David admitted early in our marriage that he didn’t know how to cook nor was he going to learn. In his words “If I learn how to cook, you’ll expect me to do it.”

When the kids were growing up we had sit down dinners at least 6 days a week which is one of the good traditions we had that holds memories. To keep the shelves full I was the shopping for food committee, but David now does about 1/3 of the grocery store runs. I like to think of it as his “hunter & gatherer” instinct maturing.

The laundry committee has changed hands over the years but David is the Chairman of the wash and I’m the Queen of the fold.  When it comes to ironing, I bowed out of that responsibility early. Nothing drastic like burning his clothes. I just said that I’d iron mine and he would iron his. (The same policy applied to sending thank you cards to relatives). One Christmas when I was broke, I gave him my ironing services for one year as a gift. I think he thought it was a permanent thing…but no. That year the last thing I ironed for him was a shirt for New Years Eve. I then closed up the squeaky ironing board for the last time and I have never given that gift again..…although it was one the most appreciated gifts I gave him.

The outdoor responsibilities were never defined, merely assumed. The difference in our perspectives can best be defined by our approach to gardening.  David sees the weeds and I see the flowers. David does the maintenance and I do the decorating.  Without the flowers I plant it’s just a well-manicured yard. Without David’s weeding the beauty of the flowers cannot be displayed. This balance of perspectives created a beautiful yard.  Recognize your strengths/differences and make them complement each other.

The financial committee is one that must be determined more than any other. When it came to money matters David & I winged it so to speak. We were educated in what I call “hippie economics” which translates to no economics. We should have handled our early finances much smarter and planned more for the future. A lot of our struggles would have been avoided if we had planned.

Now I want to denounce two widely expressed statements. The first is “Never go to bed angry.” There were times that I would have been prone for days on end if I followed that belief. In the heat of a disagreement it would be sociopathic to suddenly turn to each other, smile and kiss goodnight because it’s beddie bye time. I’m not saying that the concept is bad…just unrealistic.

The other misleading statement is “Love means never having to say you’re sorry”. I think the assumption is that you will never do anything you’ll need to apologize for. Reality check…you’re going to make mistakes. The statement should be “Love means you’re always prepared and willing to say you’re sorry.”  If you want to believe the never go to bed mad idea, you’d better be prepared to say you’re sorry.

Do not play the “parent-child” game. When David would talk to me in the father mode, I would simply remind him that growing up I didn’t have one of “them”. I was raised by a widow…so I knew it could be done. And although he had a great mom, he didn’t want to live with her. The parent-child fight almost always regresses to a child-child spat. I recognized this had happened to us when I heard myself telling David that my Mom could beat up his Mom. In other words, treat each other as an equal…adult to adult. Recognize and check yourself when you find yourself talking down to your partner.

Remember the expression that “you are not now where you always will be.” When times are tough, get through them united. When they are good, enjoy them together and work to keep it good. I remember once in tough times David asked me “Are we going to make it?” My response was “I didn’t know we had a choice.” The choice is how you get through it.

You are vowing to be there for each other through better, richer and health. You are also agreeing stay through worse, poorer and sickness. Spoiler alert!!  They all will happen. Choose to get through them with your spirits joined.

With 15+ candidates running for the Republican 2016 Presidential position, I shudder to think about the consequences of having so many candidates. Think about planning THAT debate. There will only be one question asked per debate … and Rand Paul will be asked to speak last.

The grassroots campaigns are just around the corner. The pamphlets and phone calls and doorknockers…oh my! The challenge is on and I have made an art out of dealing with such things.

The pamphlets are the easy one. I simply took the first pamphlet that I was given and always carried it with me. The next time that someone gave their pamphlet I gave mine to them. Their print proclamation now became my exchange item for the next person who wanted to trade. You could say I’ve been “many things to many people”.

The phone calls don’t happen as much anymore since I’m listed on the Do Not Call list.  But when they did call I had some pat answers. Fixing dinner (breakfast, lunch), sitting down to dinner (breakfast, lunch) or going out to dinner (breakfast, lunch) and running late are usually effective but amateur.

I took this on as a creative challenge. When the charity called offering to sell me lightbulbs that would last 10 years my befuddled response was “I bought them from you last year. If they’re everything you say they are I shouldn’t need to hear from you for 9 more years.” Or when any Police or Fire Dept. “charities” call I say, with a nervous (possibly desperate…but scared works too) voice “Oh, I thought you were my husband’s probation officer. I’ve got to keep this line open”! click.

The door-to-door solicitors are my favorite. I actually have props for the spiffy dressed religious disciples.

We had a 7^th Day Adventist church in Worthington.  Since everyone knew each other and saw each other all the time, the members of the church only printed one pamphlet called The Review. Once, maybe twice a month depending on the weather they would just walk through the neighborhoods. If they saw someone outside they’d just hold up the rectangular piece of color laminated paper and point to it. The neighbor would nod and the disciples would say “Amen”, and keep on walking. If there was any conversation it consisted of the neighbor saying “I know. I’m sorry. I’m saved.” And then waving or nodding to the church people who then said “Amen”, and kept on walking.

These days when I see an unfamiliar car (usually black but always shiny) parked in the neighborhood, I prepare my arsenal.  I first make sure my cross necklace is on the outside of my shirt. I then grab my glasses with the cracked lens and put them on. I place the stack of Bibles, Prayer Books and Guideposts on the entryway table making sure there’s a rosary draped over them. Time allowing, I have an incense scented spray. I then light a candle and sit in wait. Before they can ring the doorbell I open the door (wide enough to expose my “books and beads”) and immediately say “Oh. I thought you were someone from my Bible study group coming back. I’m pretty prayed out but if you leave a pamphlet I’ll read it when my glasses are fixed.” I then take from my pocket the last pamphlet I’d traded and give it to them. I think the fact that the pamphlet I traded them was one I’d received from a Pro Choice group may explain why they haven’t been back for a while.

A couple of my personal favorites are the guy who was delivering fresh beef to my neighbor and had some “extra” on his truck that he’d cut me a deal if I’d buy it. The fact that the house he pointed to belonged to an elderly couple from India was a tip off. My response…”We’re vegetarian.” Done.

The other is the young lad that knocks on my door selling a single serve packet of popcorn that is labeled not for resale. He’s asking $5 for the popcorn and you will help to send him to a Bible camp. The only time I’ll pay $5 for a single serving of popcorn is if it comes with a movie and lots of butter. Here is the easiest brushoff you can have. “Is it gluten free? How about trans fats and sugars?” Believe me, the expression on their face is priceless.  You give them the come back when you know shrug, say good-by and close the door.

As I see it, I’ve got to get ready for the barrage of campaigning and polling because such a large cast of characters it will be crazy. Since I’ve never followed Republican politics I’ve got some studying up to do. I figure I’ve got just a few months left before I’ll need my arsenal of retorts. I plan to familiarize myself with the candidates and get the appropriate ammo for each of them. I should be ready by Christmas!!

I already am familiar with one candidate…Donald Trump. My retort…every circus needs a clown.